Apathy...

26 February 2009 ( There is no specific reason for the delayed publishing of this blog....)
I am breathing, I can feel my pulses, I can experience the rush of thoughts circulating in my brain, I can see the varied colors of life revolving around me, and I can see the beauty of nature around me…but despite all these expressions of life there is one thing that troubles me the most is that I am unable to imbibe the joie de vivre from the outside to the inside. Everything and anything has stopped to influence me. Watching a movie on the slums of Mumbai or enjoying the breeze on the mountain during the evening hours or typing these thoughts or writing a report on my monitoring visit-all seem the same to me. These thoughts are leading me to the conclusion which starts of on a thought process of its own. The concluding thought process, which is an amalgamation of the following questions –
Whether I have stopped listening to my heart? Whether I have stopped looking at things differently? Whether I have stopped appreciating the ordinary miracles around me? Do people not matter to me anymore? Am I happy? What do I need to do to resurrect my soul? Is it because of my stressful work schedules that I am unable to concentrate on the real me? Will I ever be able to regain the touch with the unreal world? Why do all the positive thoughts about life from the past and the future seem irrelevant? Will I have to wait for eternity to find a “muse” that will keep me going for the rest of my life? Why do the dreams that were so accurately visualized in concrete seem hazy now? Why does even reading a book on finding the true meaning of life seem all Latin? Why does macabre and merry seem synonymous? Why do I feel left out? Why is the task of expressing these thoughts so important that I am putting in my business hours on this task? Why does the idea of breaking away from the world around me into my own bubble seem so onerous? Why do the noble thoughts of doing well for people of the society not seem exciting enough? If all the things mentioned above were the things that used to define and now I cannot relate to them, am I unsuccessful in defining my 26 years of existence? Am I too pretentious to accept the way I am? Am I just another egotistical individual? Have I been engulfed by complete indolence that I am unable to find answers to the questions that bother me?

I have always been on a look out for answers. To those unanswered questions I add some more questions. How does it matter and why should it matter?

The only time in the day when I feel alive is under the influence of the external motivating factors including caffeine, songs and people. I miss being alive. To be extremely honest I do not even remember the last time I was alive. If I have to strain my memories then the last time I was “alive” it was in April 2008:):).

I know that this is some kind of a mental block that subconsciously I must have brought it on myself. It could just be a phase that could exemplify the Cancerian idiosyncrasy….I do not want to spend words here to diagnose my condition right now…..